Does flirting make you unfaithful to your partner? Are you scared of flirting? Do you think it is a precursor to something else? I would say NO, NO and NO again!
Is Flirting Harmless? Yes indeed it can be!
I’m going to show you how done the right way it is invigorating, fun, exciting and in addition to all that will make you smile. It makes the recipient feel good and makes YOU feel good! Basically it is a plus, plus situation all the way round.
Firstly I would say you need to be secure in your relationship! Flirting becomes inappropriate when either the words spoken or the conduct definitely suggests a strong desire to have the relationship become physical.
Anything you wouldn’t do in front of your significant other – you shouldn’t be doing when he/she isn’t around.
Any behaviour that you would be uncomfortable with your significant other seeing, shouldn’t be done either.
Anything you say that you wouldn’t want your significant other to overhear or hear about – you might want to avoid.
What flirting IS about:
Make the other person feel good about themselves
Have fun – Smile and laugh
The key to meeting people and knowing if they are flirting is to know when someone is flirting, so you can flirt back. Three things to notice: EYES, SMILE, HAIR!
Eyes – One way to flirt is with your eyes. You may spot someone across the room and then frequently glance your way, with or without smiling.
Smile – Smiling is a way of flirting. Usually, this is a sign that you are open to meeting which is good.
Hair – Sometimes, women will also play with their hair, which is done both intentionally and unintentionally. In this case, you might see a woman twirling her hair with her finger, rubbing the back of her neck and then gently flipping her hair, and so on.
Let’s talk about Jonathon Ross – he is an all time serious flirter and he means nothing with it apart from having fun. He would flirt with your dog or cat or even hamster. He doesn’t seem to distinguish between gender – he will flirt with everyone! As will David Walliams. And a female flirt? –What about Nigella Lawson? Have you seen her in action? Head down, eyelashes fluttering – bottom wiggling, not to mention the finger licking! We can learn a lot from these public figures.
When you think of these characters what do you notice? BIG smiles – from both parties – touching of arms, appropriate touching – the safe area! The extremities!
Flirting is a great technique to learn because it is about getting into rapport with people. Communication becomes easier and more fluid with rapport. Without rapport it is very difficult to communicate let alone flirt, conversation will be very difficult and uncomfortable so not a lot of chance to flirt.
What is rapport? Rapport is all about body language which could be the physiology of how our bodies are placed, or it could be the tone of our voices or it could be the words we use. All of those aspects make up Body Language and help us build rapport.
Let’s talk briefly about matching body language. Very often people have heard of mirroring and that that is all there is to building rapport. Mirroring in case you haven’t heard of it is literally copying every movement the other person makes, every head nod, maybe repeating their words back to them. It is like when children reach that delightful age when they repeat everything you say…. “Everything you say”…. And it quickly becomes really, really irritating “really, really irritating” even using the same inflection sometimes. So my message to you is DON’T mirror if you ant to gain rapport but DO MATCH!
Matching is about picking one bit of body language that the other person is doing and copy that. SO if they have their hands behind their back – you could put your hands or just one hand behind you – if they are nodding vigorously then you could nod back (not vigorously necessarily). This needs practice so it is not so obvious! But at the beginning just play with it.
When you are with friends, family even colleagues you are probably instantly in rapport – notice how YOU are sitting and then notice how your friends are sitting. If you have your legs crossed, possibly your friend will have their crossed. If you are leaning on the table towards them the likelihood is they too are leaning forward. You might even find you use the same words when you describe things together.
So having practiced your matching technique you are set to go!
Match! Match! Match again then smile and engage in conversation.
A few tips for “good or successful” flirting. The key to friendly flirtation is light-heartedness and supreme subtlety. Flirting can be as simple and easy as matching body language (body language includes the words we use by the way)
Pick your target – let’s be honest it will not work with everyone! If you want to flirt with someone and they are, or appear to be, distressed or emotional in any way or if their body language is closed, the likelihood is the reaction will not be great!
A few “do nots”:
Do NOT get into their personal space
Do NOT be lewd or rude – that is not what flirting is about
Do NOT touch inappropriately
If you have had negative ideas of flirting before I encourage you to look at flirting in a different way now. It is about sharing positive feelings. It is about giving out what you want to get back. So if you want people to smile at you and be happy to see you then you need to smile and be happy to see others first.
Remember Flirting is Fun and Frivolous and – nothing more!